Learnings from College: part 4
Grace.
For whatever reason, most likely my sinfulness, i entered a rut of considering myself unworthy of answered prayer (true) unless i was a good boy (false). so i entered this weird religious performance cycle of sin - guilt - need - recommitment - good works - sin .... and my wonderful Intervarsity staff person decided to start a special education Bible study for me, my roommate, and another student and affirmed to us over and over God's love and grace. i responded in that typical immature way by having less guilt about the more sinning. i turned it into an i can do it all, sin and security thing. what Father also did was develop a genuine love relationship between us through this. i wasn't performing for Him. at one point i was sick of my acting and told Father i wouldn't be talking to Him in the mornings or reading His love letter to me so i could pursue earthly pleasure. i missed Him. after some period of time, more than a week, less than a month, i broke down and started talking to Him again. i told Him how much i missed Him. and as I talked to him an acquaintance from church back home happened to be driving by on campus. he stopped and offered me a ride. i didn't need a ride but unknowingly he showed me the love and grace of Father. i understood Father had choreographed a visit as i prayed. a visit that offered me something instead of demanding something. i was ecstatic for the rest of my walk. He still loved me. my pet sin didn't end that day. eventually i did change direction on that one. but grace is so cool.
For whatever reason, most likely my sinfulness, i entered a rut of considering myself unworthy of answered prayer (true) unless i was a good boy (false). so i entered this weird religious performance cycle of sin - guilt - need - recommitment - good works - sin .... and my wonderful Intervarsity staff person decided to start a special education Bible study for me, my roommate, and another student and affirmed to us over and over God's love and grace. i responded in that typical immature way by having less guilt about the more sinning. i turned it into an i can do it all, sin and security thing. what Father also did was develop a genuine love relationship between us through this. i wasn't performing for Him. at one point i was sick of my acting and told Father i wouldn't be talking to Him in the mornings or reading His love letter to me so i could pursue earthly pleasure. i missed Him. after some period of time, more than a week, less than a month, i broke down and started talking to Him again. i told Him how much i missed Him. and as I talked to him an acquaintance from church back home happened to be driving by on campus. he stopped and offered me a ride. i didn't need a ride but unknowingly he showed me the love and grace of Father. i understood Father had choreographed a visit as i prayed. a visit that offered me something instead of demanding something. i was ecstatic for the rest of my walk. He still loved me. my pet sin didn't end that day. eventually i did change direction on that one. but grace is so cool.
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